RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5 Contestant Lowdown

I’ll be the first to admit it, I neglected and failed my blog for the Allstars season of RuPaul's Drag Race (www.wnrallstars.blogspot.com). Honestly that blog was meant to be a pilot experiment with Blogspot in general, and without W:NR Allstars there would be no W:NR Forever as you see it. I would like to complete it… someday… as long as they keep the episodes viewable on logotv.com. Ideally I wanted to update it in realtime as the season was active, in order to make it more fun and interactive, but it’s over now and honestly it doesn’t matter when I finish it.

So will I make a more concerted effort with Season 5? Will I even do a commentary blog for Season 5 at all? I don’t know. In all honesty I might do it purely on the runway, lip-sync and elimination, as that’s the part of the show I enjoy the most and have the most to say about.

Season 5 begins on January 28, 2013, so we still have a while before the madness begins for the fifth time (sixth if you count Allstars). Drag Race is a show that I really, really enjoy (and the only reality show I follow religiously), and although it’s beginning to show a little more of a scripted side, I still love being completely ignorant about it. I don’t follow speculation rumors or suspicious future-sight tweets, and for this season especially I’m going in very cold. I haven’t watched any of the contestant bio videos or season previews. All I know is the contestants’ names and stock photos. So let’s go through them.

Alaska Thunderfuck. How’s that for a name to start off the list! The show is only referring to her as ‘Alaska’ presumably so they don’t have to blur her last name in the graphics and keep bleeping out the last syllable. That said, Drag Race fans should be vaguely familiar with Alaska. Besides being the boyfriend of Season 4 winner Sharon Needles (and making a cameo during a video message to Sharon), Alaska has auditioned for the show since Season 1, and has been featured in the audition tape compilations for every season. For a queen already famous for never being good enough, and Sharon also frequently mentioning this even to RuPaul himself, the fact that Alaska is finally here is slightly odd. What happened to make the 5th time the charm? Snarky queens will probably crucify her for not deserving to be there, saying Ru gave her a break to shut her up (and that Sharon had something to do with it).

I however am willing to give Alaska an honest chance. Contestants in inter-season relationships have a history of doing well, and no one complained when Manila Luzon made it on Season 3 after her bf Sahara Davenport was on Season 2. (Rest in peace, Sahara.) It’s going to be an uphill road for Alaska, but I think she’ll stick around for a bit. Anyone who can bend their waist like that is bound to give some interesting runway.

Alyssa Edwards. Welcome to the fish market, boys! I definitely have a soft spot for the pretty queens of Drag Race, and Alyssa fits that bill so far. (In the drag world, fish = believable woman. Figure it out.) Anyway… long dark hair and olive skin are definitely turn-ons for me, so I’m already interested in what she has to offer. Time will tell if she has a lot of class or a lot of sass, but by the picture we can tell she’s got a lot of ass.

Coco Montrese. And here begins the Parade of the Busted. I hate to be critical =P, but… First off is that forehead. Either Coco needs to start the wig lower on her head or wear bangs, and the headpiece isn’t helping. Second is an issue in the dress design: compare her forearms to the rest of her. Finally, full-on face pics are rarely flattering. The more I look at her, the more I see the daughter of Dida Ritz and Lashauwn Beyond. Now in her defense, these stock photos either bring out the best in a queen (Delta Work, Chad Michaels) or the worst (Latrice Royale, Mariah). So let’s do Coco an favor and just call this a one-off really bad picture.

Detox Icunt. Detox has two things in common with Alaska: Drag Race diehards should be vaguely familiar with her, and her last name is not being mentioned on the show due to a bad word in it. Detox made her debut in the Drag Race universe (kinda) as one of the stars of last season contestant Willam’s music video ‘Chow Down (at Chick-fil-A)’. I wonder if any of the other contestants will throw flak on her for that while they’re murdering Alaska? As for Detox’s picture, here’s an example of when full-on face isn’t such a bad choice. Unfinished right eyebrow and weird high-heel optical illusion aside, Detox looks like she’ll be the Raven of the season, a strong-minded performer with a severity that keeps other queens in check. And don’t worry, she wears wigs and looks great in them (citation: Chow Down).

Honey Mahogany. Throw another fish on the ice. Honey’s looking pretty good here, despite being upstaged by her harp. I guess I have a chance here to voice something about skin tone. Whoever’s doing the filtering for these photos has a tendency to mix up the colors of these contestants. Find any other screen grab of Honey and you’ll see she’s like 50x darker than the picture above. Then take the stock photo of Carmen Carrera for example and you’ll notice that she’s like 50x lighter in real life. I know makeup has a lot to do with it but there’s a limit. Not sure what kind of game they’re trying to play here, but it’s not necessary.

Ivy Winters. Wow, there’s some extra tartar sauce on this Filet-O-Fish! (Ok I'm done, no more fish puns.) Ivy probably has the most put-together look of all the queens we’ve seen so far. And extra credit for the flaming torch! Dare I suggest she’s trained in the circus arts like our favorite loudmouth Shannel? (Eh, they probably photoshopped the fire in there while they were altering everyone’s skin tone…) I really don’t have a critique for Ms Winters, other than her name makes me feel she should be dark-haired for some reason. Her makeup, hair and body control are all top class. I’m putting money on her to win, place or show.

Jade Jolie. Ok whoa whoa whoa. Drag Race already has a Jade, and now we have another? Since the show’s messed around with contestant names twice already they should just refer to her as Jolie, which honestly matches her better than Jade does. Or at least that’s what I’m going to do. As for her picture I’m a little torn. Everything looks on par (especially the contour of the dress!) but when I get to her face I kinda go from O_O to 0_o. Call me a heartless bitch but Jolie looks like Ivy’s slightly uglier sister. Hopefully I can blame that on the stock photo retoucher and she winds up looking gorgeous on the runway. Yes, let’s hope for that.

Jinkx Monsoon. Clearly this one’s been taking notes from the Gospel according to Tammie Brown. Take the headliner from the Chuckle Hut, dress him in drag, misspell his name and pop some smelling salts under his nose and you have Jinkx Monsoon. Campy queens have rarely done well in Drag Races past, and by the stock photo alone Jinkx has a lot to prove. He should’ve based his first name off the Pokémon (he wouldn’t be the first racer to do that), because ‘Jynx Monsoon’ writes out miles better.

Lineysha Sparx. The drag names continue to take a nosedive with the worst one yet. First of all I think this is the first time a queen voluntarily showed off a look without wearing heels (or shoes in general). Second, what the hell is she wearing? (Or not wearing?) She must be the most clothed naked queen we’ve seen in a while. It might be the lack of footwear but I’m not feeling this one in the slightest. This look might have worked for the Glamazon persona of Season 4 but as it stands Lineysha is no Season 5 goddess.

Monica Beverly Hillz. Proof that there is such a thing as showing too much leg. And I take it back, this is the worst name so far. There’s too much to it and the misspelling comes off as desperate. This is also the point in the contestant lowdowns where they all start to blend together, literally. The contestants all start looking the same shade of bronze and the names keep getting dumber. I bet she’s like 4 feet tall but it’s illusioned by her shoes, ‘legs 4 dayz’ and the subtle upward angle of the camera (look closely). You can tell I’ve got nothing good to say about Monica so far.

Penny Tration. Look everyone, it’s Lady Bunny’s niece! Besides that resemblance and a name that channels a lowbrow porn star too closely, I’m loving this contestant. After this deluge we’ve had of uninspired men in makeup, this is how you do it properly. She looks like she may be the older one of the group, which has shown to be neither a good or bad omen in seasons past. She also looks like she may be the big girl of the group, since everyone so far has been stick thin. As long as campiness doesn’t overtake her (as it already has with her name), Penny is going to be a really fun one to watch.

Roxxxy Andrews. I hope she knows she’s supposed to be wearing a dress and not a hospital gown. No surprise what she’s trying to serve up here, but it looks like they airbrushed out her crack so the whole thing comes off very odd. Judging by the deceptive cloth draping and angling she may be another plus-sized racer, so Penny might have some competition. Everything about this queen is very confusing. Find the back to your dress, chop some Xs off of your name, and then we’ll talk, Ms Andrews.

Serena ChaCha. Ok now I’m starting to lose track. Here’s yet another bronzed one with a mediocre name and nothing terribly interesting to note. Her look is coming off a little Indian (Hindu) to me, I hope that’s what she was going for. I guess this gives me an opportunity to mention that the theme for the Season 5 stock photos is ‘goddess’. Season 4 had a space-age theme going, Season 1’s was actual drag racing, Season 2 didn’t really have a theme but everyone wore black, and Season 3 didn’t have a theme either but they mostly wore silver. BUT… the theme for Season 3’s final challenge was indeed Greek goddess. For same, RuPaul, for repeating a female trope so soon! Anyway, yeah, ChaCha, whatever.

Vivienne Pinay. Bringing up the rear is the semi-obligatory Asian queen. Although you’re probably assuming me to write Vivienne off as another bronzed, hollow contestant, I’m actually a little intrigued. This is one of the better pictures of the list, the dress is simple but effective and everything else comes together into a nice little package. Shoes are perfect, hair is appropriate, face seems blended enough and even her prop isn’t overzealous (looking at you there, Honey Mahogany). I’m putting a side bet on Ms Pinay.

And there we have it! All 14 contestants of the fifth season, which may be a record. Of course someone from seasons past can pull a Shangela and become a surprise 15th contestant. Interesting (but pointless) to note is that this is the first season where every contestant has a last name, although Alaska and Detox will only be mentioned by their first. 

This is also the first season where all the contestants go by completely made up drag names. In past seasons there was always at least one contestant who went by his given name (Chad Michaels) or a derivative of his name (Nina Flowers > Jorge Flores).

Judging by their photos and my comments alone, here are my picks:

> Alyssa Edwards
> Honey Mahogany
> Ivy Winters
> Jade Jolie
> Penny Tration
> Vivienne Pinay

Wildcards would be Alaska, Detox, and definitely Jinkx Monsoon.

As for music, I can’t think of a recent worthy song Ru can use as the season’s theme that hasn’t been used already. The unofficial theme of each season is the RuPaul song that is played during the runway segments and that has a music video made for it in the season’s finale. Season 4 used ‘Glamazon’ from Ru’s Glamazon album, and Allstars used a sublime remix of ‘Sexy Drag Queen’ from the Glamazon remix album, leaving Season 5 with little to pick from. We might hear a new song entirely, which is exciting. Personally I’d love to hear the Sexy Drag Queen remix reused. Yeah it’s a lazy move but have you heard the elegant simplicity of that mix?! ("dootdoot 'doot-swift' remix." YouTube it. NOW.)

Again, future W:NR updates regarding Drag Race might just be of the runway segments. If they are you can definitely expect lots of pictures and commentary either praising the racers to the moon or tearing them apart. I’m excited! You should be too!